I’m apparently a good actor.

Um…

Apparently I appear confident.

As much as I hate to admit it, I’m very insecure and I sorta tend to care what most people think.

Now, I will admit that I frequently flaunt my sarcastic confidence and self absorbance, but tend to apologize afterward because I feel bad.  If you think about that, it sounds really dumb.  “I feel bad for feeling good about myself.”

I am an odd person.  I’m okay with that.  I’ve accepted myself for who I am (most of the time) and I feel great being myself.  Until I have to go outside.  Usually, I get ready to go somewhere and as I’m in the car on the way I start having second thoughts.  Well just because I like how I look today doesn’t mean it’s okay.  Maybe everyone’s gonna hate it.  What if they’re talking about how horridly I dressed today?  I mean, sure as long as I’m confident in what I’m wearing, it’s fine, right?  Well, the problem there is that I can’t be fully confident in how I look and who I am as long as I have the nagging thought in the back of my head that someone is judging me.  A lot of the root is that I’m attention seeking.  I seek the overall attention and approval of everyone I meet, especially if I care anything about them.

However, a lot of my lack of confidence stems from my own thoughts towards others.  I’ll occasionally catch myself judging how someone looks, talks, or acts and then I assume everyone else must think this way and I spiral into a pit of doubt and fear.

This is clearly unwise.  I’ve tried to change bit by bit and it’s not always easy.  Grace plays a huge part and reminds me that not everyone is harsh and I can be less harsh.  Just gotta be aware.

(Based off of a draft from 2/19/16)