I fear change. (Also people.)

Wow, I really hate new things. New things absolutely blow up my anxiety. I fear new opportunities and I fear new situations.

However, I fear failure and I’m scared of the idea of missing something drastically important in my life just because I was afraid.

So I usually end up going with whatever it is and dealing with the crippling anxiety that goes along. Instead of worrying about the opportunity however, I begin worrying about the humans I’ll be interacting with as a direct result of saying yes and acting fearless.

You see, I fear humans because (since I am one of them) I know what they’re capable of. I know what they can think, how they can feel, and what they can do. I know how they judge, how little they can care, and how quickly they can disregard any and all relations that may have ever existed — length not mattering.

I fear being rejected, abused, misused, disregarded, or flat out ignored. I’m not the most average of humans and I have a pattern of not fitting in. Family and friends never believe me when I tell them I tend to repel people but I’ve found it to be true. I’ve never been one to attract people and I vaguely believe that it’s possible that I repel people. I get so uncomfortable in social situations that I end up not knowing what to do and just hoping for some sort of end to the misery.

Eventually it ends. Either I connect with someone or the event was temporary and I never have to worry about that particular event again.

Needless to say, I’m surprised I haven’t learned how to function properly in social situations without an anxiety attack at the least, but I haven’t.

I’m working on it. I’m improving bit by bit. I’ll get it.