I’m jumping in with both feet.

I’m stubborn and I like to think.

Really, by “think” I mean dramatically over-analyze every detail of a situation until it’s suddenly so big that it’s distractingly problematic.

I worry about a lot of things.  I worry about what problems I could have, what people might think of me, how I’m gonna do on a test, how I’ll possibly survive college, what I’ll do when I get older, what I ate for breakfast last week, what I said on November 23, 2011, what I’m gonna blog about, how I haven’t written a proper post since March or so…

Little things that I really shouldn’t be thinking about terribly in-depth, if at all.

However, this is how I am.  For some reason, when I get myself all worked up and worried, the anxiety typically makes me super creative and I usually get a lot done artistically.  That may be photographically, literarily, or something completely abstract; it really just depends on the situation.  Anyway, it doesn’t really irritate me unless I’m trying to focus on something and enjoy it.  That was irritating enough to nudge me in the direction of learning how to deal with it so it’s not as much of a problem.

Admittedly, anxiety is a small contributing factor as to why I’ve written and rewritten this post countless times.  I’m determined to get it right this time.  I’m jumping in with both feet.  I’ve got Christmas lights hung, Tony Bennett in my headset, and an electric blanket wrapped around my feet.

This is how I prepare myself for intimidating tasks; I find comforting music and surround myself with “soft” things.  Now, “soft” things could be pillows, candles, or a closet.  When I say soft, it’s basically just something I think of when I think of comfort, softness, or safety.  (Fun fact about me: I used to hide in my closet on a daily basis when we lived in Camden.  I filled it with pillows, blankets, my CD player, the WOW Hits 2006 gold disc, a stack of books, and a headlamp.  I now associate hiding in closets with comfort.  Now you know.)

So, softness works wonders.  It calms me down, brings up good memories rather than bad, and puts the task in a less daunting light; making it easier to face and conquer.  Yay!  A surefire method to calming down the redhead and helping her think rationally.

Or is it?

It’s not.  I’m too stubborn for that.  The pillows smother me, the scent of the candle chokes me, and suddenly I’m trapped in a closet.  What then?  What can be done?  Usually I go outside and lay in the yard.  In the winter, it’s obviously too cold on most days, so I settle for sitting on the font porch for a few minutes to shock my brain and sort of “reset” my body.

Now, clearly, this is a big wad of insanity that is in my brain.  As important as it is to fix what needs fixing and improve what we can about ourselves, it’s also dreadfully important to accept certain imperfections that can’t be diminished no matter how hard we try.  I don’t want to spend my whole life trying to destroy something that makes me who I am just because it doesn’t fit precisely into the cookie cutter form of physical or mental normality.  I choose to embrace my quirks and interesting features simply because I don’t want to be accused of lying about who I am.  I may not know exactly who that is yet, but I’m building my real life “about me” section every day.  I’m the crazy redhead with the camera and dreams twice the size of her imagination.  I’m slowly accepting that that really is okay.  My abstract ways of perceiving the world around me help me in ways that I never would’ve imagined.  By seeing things in a different way, it allows me to start conversations with people by showing a new perspective on something they’ve been looking at for ages.  My unique visions grant me access into new territories I would’ve been terrified to even consider.

My brain thinks in a way that I often can’t explain.  My parents learn new things about me every single day.  I’ll see something that’ll strike a match in my brain and suddenly I’m remembering “that one time when I was a kid and…”

I’ll tell my mom how I always thought one thing meant something totally unrelated.  Neither of us can make any sense of it at all and honestly, it can be kinda spooky to not understand what your brain came up with.  That can lead to overthinking.  It very realistically might, depending on my mood.  If I keep my brain in the right mode, I can easily dismiss the thought and go back to whatever I was previously enjoying before the flashback.

My mind and creativity empower me because I choose to let them.  Yes, I see things in a different way.  Yes, I worry about trivial matters.  Yes, I’m stubborn.  No, I won’t let that stop me.  I know how to use it to my advantage or control it until it’s no longer dragging me backwards.

That’s all I’ve got for now.

Questions and comments are hugely appreciated and welcomed.

I’m constantly mulling over new ideas (and old ones on occasion) so there’s bound to be more to come.  No specific deadline in mind.  I’m much happier writing as it comes.

Go be jolly with a smile and a willingness to lend a hand as we enter into what is the most stressful time of the year for many.

xx becca